You came on strong over the weekend. Actually, I noticed you Friday morning and watched from a distance. Somehow you made your way closer. Needless to say, I have come to accept that you and your cousin, anxiety, will be with me until my last breath. You tried hard to keep me from getting out of bed and moving around the next morning. You almost kept me from riding my bicycle. I mean, the weather was great and the temperature perfect for riding. What were you thinking? Yeah, I was almost convinced with the shit you were whispering in my ear. Stuff like, “You know, it doesn’t matter if you ride or not. No one cares that you’re trying to stay mentally healthy and deal with me. Does it matter that you’re trying to look good for your wife? Your friends have all but deserted you, so they don’t care. Seriously, who really cares?”
I almost gave in, but instead that little voice deeper within me said, “We can outplay this dude. I need you to trust me with this. Get up! Get ready! I’ll do the rest. Let’s ride!” It was at that point the mind game was on and I would not be defeated. Yes, I used you and your cousin as my fuel for riding 25 miles and 32 miles on Saturday and Sunday, respectively. It was a struggle at the beginning of each ride because you tried to claim space in my head and throw me off my game.
During Saturday’s ride I pretended someone was chasing me and I needed to pedal faster. That someone was YOU! Sunday started out the same, but 30 minutes in I flipped the script on you. Yes, I started chasing you down to kick your ass. You know, it felt good in the end to know that at least for that time on the road you couldn’t stop me. My mind was focused and the legs kept cranking. Each mile was a win for me. Eat breath was life giving and strengthening.
Sure, I was an emotional mess when I wasn’t on the bicycle. I couldn’t watch a show without crying during the tender moments. There were times you had me bawling my eyes out. Yet, those cries felt good. They were the releases I needed. Again, I used you.
So, I end this letter to say I know you’re there. I know some of the tricks you play. I know how you try to bully and demean me. I know that you and your cousin take turns trying to beat me down and wear me out. There will be times when you beat me down, but I will get up again. I’m determined not to give in and give up. You were not a welcome guest this weekend. Remember that, because I will.
Your reluctant host…gibby
Feature image: hello depression